jonathan rodriguez

Black Funeral Gown

jonathan rodriguez

She is everywhere and yet nowhere, She stalks me barely keeping within my field of vision just enough to torment me when she chooses to do so.... Who is she? Well before I can say who she is I must explain first what she is. This damnable atrocity that haunts me is a demon, a burden, a curse I am stuck with for the rest of my life. Something created from the very demented recesses of my own mind, something that has been lurking within me slowly loosening its shackles and digging its way up and out into the world.
I’m ill you see and I fear that not long from now I will lose the very sanity I hold onto with a grasp so tight god himself could not pry it away from me. Yet this thing, this vile creation has so easily in the past few months driven me backwards into an inescapable corner. This endless game of cat and mouse always finishes with the same outcome, my back to a wall and that creature just stands there staring at me as if to mock me. She stares at me with a sinisterly mocking smile, knowing full well that she has beaten me time and time again. However this is far from the worst part about her no this cannot even remotely compare to those soul retching eyes. Eyes that I have seen once before in my lifetime, eyes that I had hoped I would have been lucky to never see again. Her eyes or rather where her eyes should be are two black gaping, rotting, and twisted empty sockets. Used solely for the purpose of tormenting me with a memory I had buried long ago. A memory that has reared its ugly self in the form of this…this demon!
There are days where she takes pity on me and covers her face with a black veil, but to accompany this god forsaken veil she wears a black funeral gown with it. I have been able to determine the time period of the dress through many searches down to the Victorian era. I have also begun noticing as of late she has been wearing the dress more often without the veil.
I do not know what this could possibly mean but the outcome will not prove will for me. Perhaps it is an omen of my own mental demise? Who can say? All I know for sure at this point in time is that she is sitting in my living room staring at me slowly mouthing the words “So…Dark”. Those two simple words hold a dark meaning to my past and this demon which wears the false veil of a woman is using that against me.
Now that I have told you as much as I care to about what she is I can finally tell you who she is. She is nothing more than a hallucination brought about by my condition known simply as bipolar. She is my own woman in her black funeral gown. The doctors tell me if I keep up on my medicine intake she’ll eventually fade away just like the voices have. Yet I know better she’s not like the voices. They were weak and incoherent ramblings, she on the other hand is collective and calm with a goal she has set her sights set on me and she is finally free and able to achieve it.
I would love to say this ends in a good way but we both know that isn't true, if it was why would I be writing this from the safe confines of my nice warm room that is monitored on a 24 hour basis?......... I’m sorry that I have to go now seems I have company…what a lovely woman it’s a shame she’s wearing that black veil it’s covering her beautiful face.